Looking back through this past year, I am relieved I made the decisions I did. I am happy that my life is where it is at. I love my life, I love the people in it and I am fairly certain that I will be this happy or happier in the future. I know there are some downsides and I pray that those downsides come around and turn out to be positive. Mainly, Smiles. I am keenly aware of how the past year has not been easy for him. He has been a happy boy, but the changes must have affected him in some way…of which I may never really know how the extent. Right now though, I hope he sees a happy mom and a happier dad.
In the future, I pray that he knows that I made this decision with him at the center of it, that I wanted him to grow up differently than the path we were on. I hope he will understand what a healthy, happy, and functioning relationship looks like. I pray every day that he is sees how I am treated and how I treat Mr. 72 and decides that is what he wants in a relationship…and I want him to find that. I want to raise him knowing what is acceptable behavior in a relationship, and what is not. I could not have done that previously. I know the argument could be made that I saw what a loving and functioning relationship was all throughout my life from my parents example…but I think I had other influences that told me that wasn’t real or only few people in life found that type of love…and for some reason I listened to those more than I did the example that was right in front of me.
I really believed that after all this time that the butterflies, excitement and happiness I feel by being with Mr. 72 would have decreased by now…at least a little. It hasn’t. Just this morning driving to work I felt so overwhelmed by how much I love him, how much I love our life and how much I love what it is going to be. I feel satisfied, I feel relief.
Even though I don’t have what everyone would think of when they imagine their dreams coming true…as long as I have Mr. 72, Smiles and my family, I’m good…everything else is a bonus. I still struggle with a career choice, although I have it pretty locked in at this point. I still don’t know what my religious beliefs are…or at least what I want them to be. I’m still not where I want to be financially. And it’s ok. I have what is important.