All my life I’ve had these internal conversations/fights in my head. I always felt like it spared me from having some external fights or discussions with people I love…and people I don’t know. I play out how a conversation is going to go and then the conversation never comes to fruition. The conversation in my head either ends in me being wrong and embarrassed for ever bringing the topic to light, or right and mad and now I would have to do something with those emotions. From living in a relationship where I never really could voice my opinion, I got very used of doing this because I had no other option. I don’t want this trend to continue but how do you stop it? I can’t ignore it, but I also can’t voice everything that I have an opinion about either.
For some reason I’ve had a lot of these internal conversations today. A few I know why but the topic is too scary to even mention and the others are just random cases of either jealousy, anxiety, or hopelessness. What I didn’t need was to walk into the bank today and see a girl I used to work with and be friends with. I don’t really remember why we lost touch, I think we just went on with life and never made an effort so nothing ended badly there but….I walk in and after a little chit-chat, she asks what I came in for. I said “well….I need to change my name”. She says, “oh did you get married”, I say “ya…but this is for the divorce” [enter silence] “oh, ok, sorry, from ‘the ex’?” “ya”, “ok, well Dave can help you”. yup…she even remembered his name. Was it that obvious to everyone else? Anyways. Thank you G*d, I needed that. One more confirmation that I made a decision that led me to be divorced before 30 with a 2-year-old son.
oh ya! Did I mention that there was a snake in the women’s bathroom at work?!?!? Have I mentioned that the mere thought of it makes me want to puke, hyperventilate, cry, then run screaming like a 6-year-old girl? Needless to say, I kept my feet up at work, either on the recycling bin turned over, on my desk or under my ass. Poor girl behind me had to finally check the bathroom for me around noon because my bladder was about to burst (I had already drunk 2 giant cups of coffee and a water before I found out). Good thing she was just a wee bit less scared than I was and was willing to help a sister out….plus I don’t think she wanted to deal with seeing a grown ass woman piss in her seat at work because she won’t go to the bathroom.
Back to the main point. I know a few things that trigger these emotions for me and some are rational and some aren’t, most aren’t. I just don’t know what to do with it when it’s not. Then I think about the one time I did get the courage to tell Mr. 72 something that I had an internal fight about and it turned out that it had some validity to it. (not saying my issues today are stemming from him, just an example, don’t freak out Mr.) So where is that line between bringing up everything and not bringing up enough? I have realized that the days Smiles is not at home with me and I don’t have anything to do, that these happen more often. I used to fill up the day so that I could avoid dealing with myself but I want to be able to sit and be peaceful and not have a meltdown. Anyone else deal with this? I’m sure I can’t be the only person.
Anyways. It’s been a hard day.