The past…creeping into MY future

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This past weekend I got into a big fight with the previous mister. A little peek into my past, previous and I were never able to fight calmly or without being mean. I usually retreated into myself and just believed that I was wrong and that my feelings were irrational or my beliefs weren’t true. This is a hard reality to state about myself…that I let someone make me feel like my feelings, beliefs, and judgments weren’t valid. It’s especially hard to change that belief about yourself. I will never believe that he did this on purpose, I beleive he loved me, but he simply didn’t understand/wasn’t taught how to communicate with me and wasn’t taught how to be in a loving relationship. I was lucky enough to grow up learning from two people that care so deeply for each other and saw how to create an incredible marriage, relationship, and family unit…..he didn’t have that.

Before I get way off track, the fight stuck with me all weekend even though it ended on a high note…after a few hours. I started to question my actions, my feelings, my choices. Up till this point I was so sure of everything, that I had done what was best for my son and for me. That I had met my soul mate, that he loved me without hesitation, without doubt, and that he would always be with me. Just this moment, I realized the immense power that someone can have over you even after they exit your immediate life. I have unknowingly allowed the feelings of uncertainty and worthlessness take over my thoughts. I started to consider that Mr. 72 didn’t really love me the way I thought, that this wasn’t going to last, that I wasn’t worthy of his love and admiration, that I’m just a burden or added stress. Moreover, that I had ruined my son’s life, that I didn’t do what I needed to do to save the relationship with his father. Then on top of that, that my relationship with my sister suffered, that my parents had to go through this with me, that my friends had to exert energy into helping me through this. That Mr. 72 is now having to deal with my past, that my past is losing everything he worked for. Could I really have been that selfish to not put my feelings aside and just live so I didn’t have to put everyone else through this? That my career is where it’s at because I’m not smart enough to do anything else. (Yes, I know how this all sounds, but this is where I was at last night as I laid in bed).

This morning I realized where my mind was headed if I didn’t get a grip on reality. I made sure to see Mr. 72 this morning because he always makes me feel better and just like that…back into perspective. I am worth it; Mr. 72 is my soul mate; Smiles didn’t lose his mom or dad, he’s just going to have to grow up loving both of us separately; Smiles will see two people truly love each other, be kind, communicate, and he will learn how to be in a healthy relationship; my parents will always be there for me and want me to be happy; my sister and I will just have to work harder to make our relationship what it used to be; my friends know I made the right choice; previous mister will have to figure it out on his own….9 years was enough.

I will have to work harder to not let those interactions with previous mister affect me so much that I question everything. I don’t have to doubt people’s love for me or that I am valuable enough to be worth it.

wow…just heard on song come on which totally wraps up how I felt. (see below)

– The meaning as stated on SongFacts.com — She explained the song’s meaning: “‘Arms’ is about the fight between your heart and your mind. Your heart wants to be loved but your head is always telling you reasons not to be with him or her, or how you are not worth the love. It’s about the struggle and finally giving in when you’re wrapped in their arms. Then you get it. Then you feel loved and love wins.”

Arms – Christina Perry

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I’m home

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?
I can’t decide if I’ll let you save my life or if I’ll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home

The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can’t make you bleed if I’m alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go…

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I’ve never opened up
I’ve never truly loved ’til you put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home

You put your arms around me and I’m home

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