Searching for Meaning

This past weekend I went camping with Mr. 72. He asked me an innocent question and he was really just interested in my answer. I have always been nervous to talk about this with anyone. I get the feelings of hopelessness, depression, anxiety, and most of all, confusion. I feel this way because everyone around me seems to have figured out their path in life and I’m no closer to figuring it out as I was when I graduated high school. I’ve never talked to him about this because I always end up in the same place when I talk to anyone about it and saying to myself I have no idea…maybe one day I’ll figure it out. 

“What do you want to do?” in regards to a career or profession. 

Anyone who has known me for a significant amount of time will tell you I’ve tried everything with no success of anything sticking. Following is a list of what I have tried…all “failed” because of one reason or another…mostly in order.

Banking/Finance

Journalism

Acting

Political Science

English Major

Theater Arts

Accounting

Nursing

Film

Teaching

Accounting

“corporate” job 

Photography

Baking

Thought about owning my own small business multiple times

Yoga Instructor

Fitness Instructor

CPA

Project Management

Writer

………. 

As you can see, it’s not for lack of trying to figure it out. I’ve tried accounting multiple times because I’m good at it. Problem is, I hate it. It’s boring, there’s too much liability and stress and I really don’t care about it, lol. Journalism/writing, editing…..I love but really how do you make a living out of it? It’s too late to go back to school or take on an internship, so unless this blog takes off for some strange reason, I think that option is going to stay as a hobby. I love photography but I’m not good enough to take that on. I’m not being humble, it’s just a true statement. I’m working on getting better but that is also a career that is hard to make a living off of. Film…I’m not even going to talk about, I’m still angry about this. Baking – it’s fun but not for a profession. Nursing would be amazing but I’ve gone through part of the program and just couldn’t find the drive to get through the classes….I took it as a sign that it was not a true passion.

I work at a typical corporate job and I am not happy there. I feel a little dumber each day that goes by. I got the chance to move into a department that I thought was challenging and something I could do and be okay with…but lost that chance and it kind of took my confidence with it. 

I’ve always struggled with the insecurity that I’m not smart enough. So if I was presented with a challenge I would usually back away because I really didn’t want proof that it was true. I’m almost 30 and I need to get over this. I’ve tried a few things and it didn’t work out. Maybe I should push harder or maybe I’m not pushing harder because I really don’t want to do it. I’m not someone who can just take a career and be ok with whatever it is. I have to be passionate about it. I have to find fulfillment and satisfaction that I am leaving this world better than I entered it. 

I would love to get my certification for yoga instruction but I worry about the low pay. I’ve never cared too much about making a lot money and still don’t. BUT I do have bills and a son to take of. I want to be able to give him the opportunities I didn’t have when I was young and I don’t want him to feel shorted or left out because I can’t afford to enroll him in something or buy him what he needs for a hobby or sport. 

I’ve talk to a friend about opening a yoga studio with a cafe attached and our decision was to wait out the economy because yoga is the first to go when people are trying to save money. It’s been a few years since we’ve talked so maybe it’s time to bring it up again. But how can I possibly open a business when I can’t even find enough time to go take a yoga class, nonetheless get certified [I won’t even bother thinking about how I would manage paying for that]. Maybe now that the divorce is final and I’m settling into home, time will open up. This seems to be the only career that I am consistently coming back to besides writing.  

Plan? Keep writing, keep taking pictures, go to yoga, and pray one day I figure it out.

Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it. 

Buddha

Music Phone Tag

I started something yesterday…not sure why really, think I was just rockin out in my car on the way home and thought…why not?

Rules:

  1. Call someone…you must get their voicemail
  2. Let the song play into the voicemail…you have to do this 90’s style by holding it up to the speaker…no fancy technology tricks, good ol’ boom box with a tape player style. You know…you maybe did this for the crush you had in school…don’t be crazy…you know you did it at least once. No?…ok, maybe it was just me. Don’t judge.
  3. At the end of the call yell in the receiver (Music Tag, You’re It!). Yes, I said YELL. It’s just more fun that way…to make someone’s ear bleed, lol.
  4. See if they can figure out the song and done.
  5. If you get the voicemail from someone else…follow up with them and tell them what song it was.
  6. Then, Music Tag someone else 🙂

Silly game, yes. Fun, absolutely!

Round one: (waiting on answers)

Mr. 72 ________________

J-Money ________________

April 20 – 22, 2012

PB and Jelly Monster!

2 BooBoo's are better than 1

Mama...ready for "nigh nigh"

Too bad the hose was "broken"...Abuelo fixed it later 🙂

Swinging the sign...leaves a lovely mark on the paint LOL

Such a big boy!

With Nana and E

Mama and Smiles

Worn out again from the sunshine!

Mmm, nachos!

It was a wonderful weekend full of Mama and Smiles time. We had some visitors, Mr. 72 came over and saw the dinner madness on Friday. Smiles even helped Mama run some errands on Saturday. Then got sprayed with the hose in the backyard for a while! We also got to spend time at the pool with family on Sunday.  Such a relaxing weekend!