Journal Entry 1/23/2012

This weekend was tough on me in many ways. My parents, Mr. 72 and sisters’ family were all out of town. I didn’t have Smiles this weekend so I was totally alone…alone. Normally, I would relish the idea of having the weekend totally to myself. I would wander around town, eat somewhere new, read, watch movies or catch up on TV shows. This weekend was different.

Friday night I went out with a couple co-workers for happy hour. Everything was going great, we were having fun, laughing and enjoying the company. Due to all the hysteria I got the hiccups multiple times. If you know me at all, you know my hiccups aren’t normal for any human being, they are loud, obnoxious and they hurt…bad! If it goes on for too long, I start getting sick and feel the need to throw up. After the forth or fifth round of hiccups, I threw in the towel and said I’m done, let’s get out of here. In the parking lot, I really thought like I was going to embarrass myself all over the pavement. Luckily I held it together. But this set up my weekend for a turn for the worse. Which was sad because I had a great morning (kind of) I picked up Mr. 72 and drove him to the airport for his boys weekend ski trip. I love being the person that does that for him. He was so excited to go and I was sad he was leaving but excited for him too. (Bye Mr. 72, be safe, have fun and no big jumps and stay on the ski path)

Nevertheless, Saturday morning I woke up excited to meet the girls at breakfast. These girls I have worked with at some point in my career at “The Educator”, I love them, they are all so different and unique and special to me. All of them have a different perspective, different humor and I’m not sure how we all ended up being friends, but I’m so glad we did. It was a great breakfast.. a lot of news, some sad, some good, but we all care so much and listened that I feel like we all leave a little lighter because someone listened so carefully to us that we feel better, relieved that such amazing people care about us. I, on the other hand, have a secret that I’m not ready to tell everyone in the group. Mr. 72. 3 of the 5 girls know, but 2 do not. It’s not that I don’t want to tell them but that I can’t at this point. Mr. 72 is important at The Educator and it is a bit scandalous for us to be dating, to be in love. Come the end of February, the secret will be released…whoever knows at that point will know. We won’t openly tell everyone but if they find out, then so be it. It makes me sad that we have to hide it. I love him so much and I feel like I’m being forcefully ashamed of it. It is something so beautiful and sweet and honest and, to use Mr. 72’s word, organic. I just want others to see that too. Soon enough I suppose. I know the news could hurt people’s feelings (namely my ex and his ex) so I get it. But still…

Back to the weekend. Saturday I went to go vintage shopping after breakfast with the girls and on my way there, I felt so dizzy and nauseous that I almost pulled over. My anxiety reared and I got nervous. Luckily the store I was heading towards was close so I just parked. The feeling passed and I went on with my day. (This happened on Friday too, just not as bad, I had made a Dr. appt for Saturday that I planned on missing). On my way out, it happened again. I got really nauseous again and so I stopped at a store, looked around and decided I should head back to my side of town and go to my Dr. appt. My girlfriends teased me that they thought I was pregnant. Normally, I would say…hmm? Wonder if it is true. I do have all the signs, breasts hurt like crazy, weird girly time this month, pelvic pain, nauseous, and dizzy. But Mr. 72 has had a Vasectomy and I was still taking the pill just in case something worked its way through. LOL. [just realized, I’m really long winded…oh well]

I got to the Dr and they did a pregnancy test, negative. I told her everything that I was feeling and she not-so-reassuringly says, well you still might be, check again in 2 weeks. Ok…I’m not saying I want to be pregnant but I also don’t want to be pregnant. Her comment was not helpful. I am spending the whole weekend alone and was planning on downing a bottle of wine. There goes that idea. She then told me there was a lot of glucose in my urine sample…great so now diabetes is back. They did the blood sugar test and it came out fine, so maybe the glucose test was wrong? She didn’t seem so science-based about dismissing the whole thing so I don’t know what to think about that.

So that was about how my weekend went. I stayed home because the one time I did try to go out on Sunday, I got dizzy about a mile down the road and turned back to the house. I spent all day eating whatever was in the house (popcorn, chips and salsa, a quesadilla…) and watching Mad Men. What a craptacular weekend.

On to Monday…skip the whole day and here’s the story. I still feel bad, it comes and it goes. I don’t know what to think about it so I guess I will wait for the call from the doctor with the test results.

Mr. 72 is on his way home. I talked to him when he was at the airport. His trip sounded stressful, weather wasn’t so good and his friend’s mom ended up in the hospital so they came back early (still waiting to hear if she is ok). So selfishly I want to talk about what’s wrong with me. We were on the phone and I’m thinking, so glad I get to see him tonight but I’m sure this week is going to be hard because he will have to play catch up at work. Little did I know that the only 1 night where we both don’t have our kids….he’s meeting with his boss till the late evening. Really?!?! Then I have Smiles all weekend, he has his girls till Wednesday, when I will have Silas Thursday and Friday and then he goes out of town again for the weekend?!?! I know this is a complicated situation but COME ON! Then he starts talking about getting a babysitter so we can go out. I understand people do that but I don’t. Not because I’m better than anyone else but because I want to see my son. I already miss out on half the week, I’m not about to miss out on more voluntarily. I want to see Mr. 72 but not if that means giving up time with Smiles. This really sucks. And then in the back of my mind I’m thinking…how in the world would I have a baby with Mr. 72…we already don’t see each other, add a baby in the mix and yowzas… Are our schedules ever going to get better?


Journal Entry 1/18/12

It’s been a very strange week to say the least. It’s been surprising, aggravating, terrifying, and incredible. Not to go into details but I’ve gone from thinking we were losing someone for good to being amazed at how much someone can CHOOSE to love me. Since I don’t want to recap the bad, here’s the good.

Mr. 72 didn’t realize that our relaxing and mushy love filled weekend was about to be overtaken by drama and a 17 month old. He graciously and without effort (at least showing it) allowed me and my son to stay in his home while we took solace in the safety it provided me. I don’t think we were ever really in danger but the thought crossed my mind so I refused to take the chance when my child (let’s call him Smiles since I do sometimes) is concerned. He was incredible, effortless in his ability to help me and didn’t think twice about it. I couldn’t be more grateful and there is no way I could pay him back. I love this man with everything I have. The great (and scary) thing that came out of this weekend was how much I enjoyed “living” with him. I loved waiting for him to come back from the gym, I loved being there to talk to him, I loved playing with my son with him. I especially loved how concerned he was when he saw my frustration at trying to get Smiles down for his naps and bedtime…it’s hard enough already but add in a new bed? Oye. He was so kind and patient. He was so thoughtful about making sure Smiles had food he liked to eat and toys to play with, a bed to sleep in and even let mom take a shower.

We ended up going to a movie (alone) and there was a scene of two people getting married and I felt like my heart stopped and beat faster than ever before. It wasn’t so much the wedding part that got me but just the thought of spending the rest of my natural born life with him. To wake up every day smashed up next to him (bed sinks in the middle), to make waffles for him every morning, to greet him with a cold drink after work, to raise our children together. But I also can’t wait for that moment with him when I can share with the world how in love I am with this man, how amazing he makes me feel and how much I hope I do the same for him. I hate hiding it from parts of my life. I hope this feeling doesn’t diminish over time but grows stronger and more mature. I know the butterflies will probably fade at some point but I plan on trying to keep them around for as long as possible.